The Rider Who Lost His Light: I Thought I'd Be Free, But Freedom Was a Void

A glimpse into my inner turmoil.

The first month, I was distracted. I rode my horse, focused on getting clients, landing new projects. I saw my son once, but I wasn’t happy, like something was missing. Yes, happiness. I succeeded, yes, but there was no one to celebrate my success with. She wasn’t there.

She didn’t leave. I left. I was childish, selfish, and immature. Worse, a coward who couldn’t face her. If I had just looked into her eyes, I wouldn’t have been so stupid, sacrificing her love and my happiness in the process. I was so stupid.

She was always there for me. I thought she was too busy with me, but she was overwhelmed with duties and responsibilities. I thought she was pushing me away, but she wasn’t.

I can’t enjoy anything anymore, riding, writing, success, and more importantly, life. She was always there to cheer for me, to be happy for me. I saw that, but too late.

I love her. Even though we’re apart, I will keep loving her until the day I depart.

What hurt me the most was when she said she had lost her feelings, not just for me, but for everything. She just wants to work, eat, go home, and sleep. I blame myself.

She lost her horse, and I acted poorly, it is like she lost her son.

Every time I see my horse, her smile and proud eyes come to my mind. She loved to see me ride. Wait, I was riding for her, to see her smile, to make her happy. How could I ever forget that?

I feel responsible. I feel like the one to blame. Every time I look into my horse’s eyes, I see the reflection of my selfishness. It’s like he’s blaming me for what happened, holding me responsible.

I know he misses her too, the cheerful spark she brought, the smile that came from her heart.

"You are my everything," she used to say to me. Now I feel like nothing.

I hurt her. I failed her trust. She lost her horse, her love, her feelings, because of me. And that hurts me the most.

She doesn’t love me anymore, and most likely, she hates me now. I deserve that. I can’t even ask her for another chance. I don’t believe I deserve her anymore. I feel too ashamed to even look her in the eyes after what I’ve done, leaving her all alone.

I have to punish myself. I can’t see my horse with this guilt anymore. I can’t ride without thinking of what happened, every time i ride, i am hunted by her beautiful memories, smiles, laughs and jokes.

I don’t deserve to ride. I don’t deserve to have a horse. I don’t deserve good things. I don’t think I can enjoy life without her.

I’ve made a decision. I will stop riding. Riding has no meaning for me anymore. I was riding for her smile, to make her proud.

I’ve decided to give my horse to a mutual friend, so she can visit him whenever she wants. It will be hard to see her again, but I know she loved our horse like her own son.

My horse deserves his mother, not me, i failed him already, when I behaved so selfish.

This is the only way I can live with myself. This is the only way to live. I have to lose my horse, my love for riding, my freedom, just like I lost my love, just like I lost her, to regain even a little bit of self-respect. 

I can’t ask her for forgiveness because I believe I no longer deserve it. I am beyond redemption. All I can ask for is that she accepts our horse as her own son, and allows me to live with a bit of shame to regain what little self-respect I have left.

I gave the horse away not to punish myself, but to give him back to someone who truly loved him. Maybe one day, I can visit him too, not to see you, but to remember the man I used to be when I had you by my side. Until then, I’ll carry this guilt, not as a chain, but as a reminder of the love I lost, and the person I hope to become.